Archive for September, 2010

Firstly, let me apologize (a million times over) for not posting in a significantly long period of time. I suck, I know. Go throw your tomatoes elsewhere.

At first, I wanted to post something intelligent and thought provoking and all that good stuff.

And I have all these wonderful ideas crawling down the side of my looseleaf. Some bullet points here, some notes there, a couple numbered lists of things I can write about and concepts to flesh out.

Yet, when I finally have the time to sit down and write about it (interestingly, always quite late at night), something just seems to block my head. I look at them, these squiggly lines called words, and I keep looking and looking and (for whatever reason), my brain makes some immature farting noise and pouts. I know I have plenty of things I do actually want to talk about (and trust me, I have enough ideas to procrastinate my studying for several more years), but something seems to set me back.


I think it’s because there are plenty of other things I need to say. Not specifically to anything, or to anyone, but it’s not the general yelling that I can just shout to the wind either. It’s not something that I want to lose within the hundreds of pages of my journal.

And then I think about it some more, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that a lot of the back up brain work of mine is suffering significantly because of this “pent up things I really need to say” (we’ll shorten the term to Pent Up Word Vompt for now). Where did all my time management capabilities go? Apparently out the window.

Instead, it is replaced with a mental torrent of crappy thoughts, which seem to sink me deeper into a state of stress and crap (yes, I said a state of crap), leaving me greatly unfulfilled and under-worked (despite having so much work to do). The limited things I can now accomplish are either labor intensive tasks that take little thought (weight lifting), repetitious movements (washing dishes, doing laundry) and things not directly related to human communication (making delicious pie).

Part of it, I am attributing to some fear of disappointing someone. Or fear of proving someone right. Or fear of dragging someone else in to a mess. Or even fear of making someone listen to something they may not want to. In the end, it (the situation) just kind of makes me feel extraordinarily lonely. I have more people that I can call “friends” now more than ever before, and yet I could also say I’m the loneliest I’ve been in a long time.

Another part of it, I believe, is that I have simply become bitter and angry, and feel the lack of will to get it out for fear of something. I think I am actually getting mad at myself for not being able to express this anger. I want to be angry and actually get to be angry. I don’t want life lessons and past stories. I don’t want to be interrupted with some miserable story about how your day went, or where your life took a turn for the worst today. Really. I appreciate your trust in me, but there is some time that is your time. And some time that is my time.

But back to this brain block problem. It’s not that I’m depressed, or have suffered from some near-exploded brain problem where I just broke my head. It’s more like an increased amount of earwax that slowly prevents me from hearing… except in the brain. Brainwax that prevents me from fully fleshing out whatever I need to say, because other stuff is in the way. And, until I get it out, my brain will simply trickle instead of pour.

And so, while I’d like to sit with you and talk about my opinion on the mosque and the elections (including the ever interesting Republican primaries in NY), and though I have a margin full of half-baked concepts about America and nationalism and foreign policies of developed countries in relation to developing countries (by the way, there is a difference between developing and underdeveloped countries), much of this seems to be on halt while my brain sorts out the Pent Up Word Vomit.

But in case you WERE wondering:

  • Complaining about the mosque is ridiculous. Even the simple fact of having a discussion on it shows how intolerant some people can be.
  • I kind of wish I had registered to a party because the only interesting elections in NYS are the primaries
  • I still don’t believe in Communism. Or Socialism. But I do believe that we are slowly reaching a point where we no longer deserve to govern ourselves.
  • Alexander Hamilton still PWNs Thomas Jefferson any day.
  • I don’t see how people can expect more successful government programs with less taxes and an increased cost of living.
  • Gender/Racial Empowerment (Male, Female, Black, White, Asian or otherwise) != Gender/Racial Equality
  • Government structures are highly dependant on how the creators felt about human nature. For a democracy or a republic to work, individuals must be educated enough to run themselves, and willing enough to act as a public servant (not a politician). Honestly, at this point, I almost want to throw in the libertarian towel because I don’t think Americans in this era are capable enough to run the country.
  • I’m kind of sick of hearing someone say “this” or “that” is “Unamerican.” The term “unamerican” is quickly rising in my “lists of words I want to punch people for saying.
  • Immigrants can be as American as, if not more so than, than citizens.

I also determined my paper topic for Research in Media and Culture Studies. I will be examining framing techniques used in several media sources (mainly print and TV) to see how journalists frame things to be distinctly Democratic or Republic. I am also examining the effects of framing on individuals who are strongly aligned to one party as opposed to the effect of framing on apathetic or undecided residents. This will include some level of close reading of the text in media, several in-depth details about influences of media on individuals, and a mass survey about political media consumption and interpretations taken from the media consumption.

If anyone is interested, and I mean actually interested, in helping me relieve some of the aforementioned pent up word vomit, feel free to let me know. But, as a warning, it’s not going to be pretty (or short), it might not make much sense, and I might end up either not finishing or declining.


PS: Ha. I posted.


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